Essence of holiday spirit

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The holiday season is usually a busy time of year for all. Shopping, parties, and family gatherings fill our time and our calendars. Personally, this year, all the hustle and bustle has made me stop to reflect and think about the meaning of it all, more so than in past years.

I have been fortunate that for most of my life, the holiday season has always been just another holiday season. Although, in the past, I have taken the time to be conscious about consumerism and those less fortunate, this year is much different. My thoughts seem to be centered around those who have passed, as well as thanks for all the blessings I have in my life.

Although, in the past, I have attended funerals and have been a source of support for those who have lost someone, I have never had anyone close to me pass away. This year was a first for me and that was with the passing of Uncle Peter. I regretted not being able to say goodbye. My heart ached and for the first time, I truly felt a sense of loss. Then in recent weeks, my beloved Leia passed away. Her passing has been the most difficult. She was more than just a dog to me. She was someone very special in my life. I miss her so much and it has been very difficult to welcome this holiday season.

These feelings of loss and heartache is mixed with a sense of belonging and joy for the other love of my life, CM. A long time ago, when it was told that if you write out a list of what you want in a partner and you will find him, I wrote a list of my own. Today, as I look through that long and detailed list, he checks off every single item. The beauty of it all is that his qualities add much more to the list than I ever expected.

Along with his wonderful self, CM brings with him a very large and colourful mix of extended family members. I am especially grateful for his mother and brother, both of whom I get along with very well. It has always been a dream of mine to have a large extended family and through him, that dream has come true. As you can see, my life is very full and I have every reason to be happy.

So how do I consolidate this mix of emotion? I miss those who are not here and my heart aches for them especially with the holiday season. Yet, my heart overfills with joy whenever I am around the people I hold dear. There is not one answer but I wholely believe in my heart that those who have passed help remind us to hold those we have still here, that much closer. That is the gift they gave us. Through the lives of Uncle Peter, Leia, Rick Mongeon, Auntie Marie, and others, I am reminded of what is truly important in life--appreciating the people that are in my life.

This holiday season, more so than before, I look forward to spending time with family, new family members, and always remembering those who have passed.

Leia :: June 15, 1996 - December 03, 2008

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Ever since you went away, I have hoped and wished for a way to know that you are ok. For days my heart has been aching to see you and hold you in my arms again. I asked you for a sign. It was just a thought. But I quickly told myself it would be futile to think that way.

But today you sent me a message--a little rainbow amidst the clear, blue, and sunny afternoon sky. It's difficult to describe the feeling I felt but I felt something in my heart. I know it was you letting me know that you are fine and that I should no longer be sad.

I know in my heart that you are healthy and happy where you are. You are in a place where there is plenty of sunshine and there is a huge backyard for you to run and play in. I imagine you rolling in the grass because that was one of your favourite things to do. I see you running and playing with OJ, Hairy (yes, it's spelled that way), Candy, and Miko...and many other furry family members who are loved and missed by those here on Earth.

My heart warms to see you happy. You lived a full life. In human terms, you would have lived to a ripe old age of 84! Thank you for all the love and joy that you have brought to each one of our lives. You have touched many hearts. You have been the glue that has always brought our family together. Even in your passing you have helped us realize how important family is. We put aside all our issues and came together for you.

You came unexpectedly into our lives almost 13 years ago. You have been a vital part of our lives. We miss you dearly. But if there is one thing you have taught me, you showed me how to live in the present. To honour your life, and the joy and happiness you brought into my life, I will remember that lesson. I will remember to live in the present.

Thank you Leia and I love you. We will see each other someday. Until then, you will forever be in my heart.

Master Cleanse - Take 3

Thursday, November 13, 2008

For the past few months, I've been complacent about my health. Everything I used to do that kept me healthy, I stopped doing: rest, yoga, and taking Omega-3s. As a result, I got some not so great news from my rheumatologist. She said they found protein in my urine which is abnormal. BUT, results are not conclusive and I need to do a repeat test. I'm not freaking out because I've had a positive result for protein in my urine before but I am taking this seriously.

It's a wake up call that I need to be conscientious about my health. I did not get 100% better before I started to let things go. Biotherapy only helped with my symptoms but it did not cure me. I know what I need to do and I need to trust myself. My doctor wants to put me on medication that could result in blindness. I'm not willing to take that risk. I'm going to give myself a month or two to see if I can get better results the natural way.

I started the Master Cleanse and am on my fourth day. I figured it would be good to start with a clean slate. I've done the cleanse before and it helped so I'm doing it again. This time I'm going for the full 10 days. In the past, I've only made it to five. It's much easier this time to achieve my goal because I'm living on my own. In the past, when I was at home, I would smell food that my parents were cooking for meals. That was tough.

I've also started taking Omega-3s again and am doing yoga regularly. I am also listening to my body and resting when I need to. Doing all this, I am confident that I will recover. I've managed to lower my anti-body counts in the past and this time, I am going to eliminate them completely.

It's my health and it's up to me to take care of myself. I need to do this not only for myself, but for those who love me. I don't want them to worry and I want to live a long and healthy life with them.

Man is hunter

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Somehow I've become famous for my advice to other women when it comes to men. Well, maybe it isn't me that's so famous but more so my words of wisdom. Whenever I find myself in a setting where women are discussing men, more often that not, I find myself uttering the same indisputable advice, "man is hunter." Recently I was asked, what does that really mean. So I thought I needed to make myself clear.

Whenever a woman meets a man that she finds attractive, more often that not, she begins obsessing about him. I hate to use the words obsess but it is unfortunately accurate. According to Dictionary.com

obsess
ob-sess [uh b-ses]
verb (used with an object) ~ to dominate or preoccupy the thoughts, feelings, or desires of (a person): She obsessively wondered why he hasn't called.

When a woman realizes that man is hunter, she knows that she doesn't need to do anything to make a man interested. He will pursue/hunt her because that is his nature. He WILL go after what he desires. If he isn't calling her, he isn't interested. If she's wondering and thinking about him when he isn't around, she is obsessing.

I'm not saying that you're supposed to act like a powerless, helpless piece of prey. Quite the contrary. The analogy is there to illustrate how a man thinks. You're actually empowered by that knowledge

As a hunter, man is driven by the thrill of the hunt. This isn't news to many of us. Maybe some of us just need to hear it again in a more appropriate context. The harder he works for you, the more of a prize you are to him. He will not do anything to jeopardize a prize he worked so hard to get.

It's all about balance. If you are not a challenge, he will move on. If you're playing the hard-to-get game, he will move on. Men are simple. They don't know how to read the hard-to-get game. They get confused and move on.

So how do you balance it all? Well, it's simple. Focus on you. Look around you and enjoy everything that is in your life: family, work, friends. Think about things that you want to do and accomplish: career, hobbies, fitness, travel. Get out there and do things for yourself.

If a man comes along, treat him like a woman. He is now your new girl friend. He asks, "would you like to meet for drinks?" You reply, "sure." But this time, it doesn't matter how hot he is or how you will look like for that meeting or whether you're gonna kiss at the end of the night. You wouldn't think that if that were a new girl-friend so why him. Go out. Have fun. At the end of the night..."Thank you. I had a great time. See you later," says the positive, happy, and I-have-so-much-in-my-life-aren't-you-lucky-to-get-some-of-my-time you.

No need to mention "call me sometime" or whatever. If he's interested he will call. In the mean time, continue doing what you were doing before, which was focusing on your life and all the great things around you. Create opportunities for yourself.

If you enjoyed the company of your new girl friend and he's a fun person to be around, sure go ahead and give him a call to meet up. But unlike real girls, I doubt he'll enjoy shopping or sitting around in a coffee shop all day. Introduce him to what you've been doing. Maybe it's golfing or climbing or photography. That's the beauty of having a full life, you can share it with others.

It's a great time in your life to be SELFISH. How lucky are you to be able to be selfish. You go where you want to go; you live where you want to live; you take whatever job promotion there is without having to factor someone else into your decision. It's great!!! Enjoy it and take advantage of it while you can.

It's about YOU right now. Just look at your other girlfriends with a partner and maybe even kids. As great as their lives maybe, trust me, they are just a little envious of your independent and wonderful selfish lifestyle. Go get 'em girl. And remember...

MAN IS HUNTER.

Adventures in biotherapy

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

As some of you may know, I was diagnosed with mixed-connective tissue disorder about two years ago. This non-specific diagnosis has plagued me and affected many areas of my life. In the past, I have always been active, taking part in sports and always on the go. With this so-called illness, I have learned to listen to my body and rest whenever I needed to.

So what is this mixed-connective tissue disorder you ask? Well, basically, doctors have not been able to pin-point just ONE illness. I am presenting with a variety of symptoms that point to a few disorders like lupus and sjogren's syndrome. Don't bother Googling them because the descriptions are awful.

Yes, I have learned to slow down and appreciate the quiet moments in life but I still want to get out there and DO THINGS!!! It's all about balance and I have learned that. It's time it went away for good. I want my health back!

Since my diagnosis, I've tried a variety of alternative healing methods. I saw an acupuncturist, went to hot yoga daily, and made other lifestyle changes to benefit my health. I did see results in my blood test; the levels of that certain antibody that is measured to indicate an autoimmune disorder were much lower. But the levels were still high when compared to a normal individual.

So today I tried something new. I went to see a biotherapist, Pawel Polonecki. What a sweet man. I heard about him through my sister's in-laws. Pawel is usually based in Europe; particularly in Poland, where he is from. He comes to Toronto a few times a year and I have been anticipating his return. The moment I found out he was back, I made an appointment.

I had my first appointment today and will return in one week. Read his website to find out more about him and biotherapy. It was an interesting experience. It's hard to describe the feelings I felt when he was reading and, I guess, fixing my energy. Right now I feel very calm and relaxed. Maybe even a little tired. Pawel said this is expected.

I'm optimistic and hopeful that I will be pain-free again. This winter I would really like to go snowboarding again. It has been ages since I've been able to enjoy the cold weather. I hope that this winter, I will be able to do so.

My Uncle Peter

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

We met when I was just a year old. The entire Larter family showed up at our doorstep in Malaysia. You picked me up and I hugged you and said, "My Uncle Peter." It was love at first sight. Our families kept in touch all these years. Mom and Auntie Jan always wrote. Over the years, your family grew and I grew up.

I remember visiting you and Auntie Jan in Australia over 10 years ago. You both welcomed me to your home. We would share stories at the dinner table. You encouraged me as I traveled all over Australia and New Zealand. What I remember most was the story you told me about how and why you fell in love with Auntie Jan.

You told me how you asked her out on a date. You said that usually girls would be indecisive about what they wanted to do. But not Auntie Jan. She told you exactly what she wanted to do and from that moment onward, you knew she was the one for you.

I will always remember the love you shared between the two of you. I can still see the way you both looked at each other. I hope to share that with someone someday, and actually, I think I have found the one.

This is my one regret, that you will never meet him. More so, I am so sad that he will never meet you. I miss you Uncle Peter. Why did you have to go so soon? I wish that when I found out you were sick that I had flown out to see you. I wish I could have said good-bye.

It's so hard to comprehend that I will never see you again. What comes after this, I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. I wish you were still here. I wish you were here for me to tell you everything I didn't get to say. I miss you. I miss you so much...

My Uncle Peter.

It happens when you least expect it

Monday, April 28, 2008

We met through work and became fast friends. You would meet me for dinner whenever it was an event night. We would walk the busy concourse together, looking for something tasty to eat. Even though our dinners were complimentary, we would pretend to buy each other dinner.

You would often stay late after work and help me with mine. We would walk the empty concourse and talk about everything. I shared my joys and frustrations. You listened and offered your thoughts. As I look back now, I see the signs that I never saw before. There was a brush of hands, a light arm over the shoulder, and smiles that told me how you felt about me.

We would meet with friends after work for drinks. It would always be you and me waiting on the rest. That was fine because it was then that we started to get to know one another. I thought you were a great man. I wanted to set you up with my best friend. Little did I know, I was the one for you.

The first Sunday we shared together will always be a special day. We were two friends spending time together. I wanted to take you to a special place for brunch but when we got there the place was no longer open for brunch! The horror! But we improvised and ended up in a sweet Portuguese bakery where we shared hot pressed sandwiches and cappuccino. We shared stories about our lives and our families.

Then we wandered through Yorkville. We pretended to be a couple shopping for a ring at Tiffany's! What a wonderful play of pretend. I had a great time. We capped the day off by renting a movie and ordering Chinese. The entire day was not planned. We were just going for brunch. The memories bring forward vivid feelings of joy and happiness even as I write this.

You offered to take me out for dinner. I agreed thinking it would be just another night out with a good friend. You asked if I wanted to know where we were going or let it be a surprise. A surprise? People plan surprises only for those who are very special to them. Am I someone special to you? Up till then, I never realized. You also told me you had something else for me. Another surprise?

I knew then there was something more going on. I was confused. Did I want this to happen? What about our friendship? I truly treasured our friendship and never wanted to lose that. But a little voice in my head told me to enjoy it and let every moment happen.

You got me a Raptor's playoff t-shirt! Only you would know me well enough to know how happy that would make me. No need for flowers, this girl would prefer sports any day. We enjoyed our dinner and as I sat across the table from you, I started to realize how lucky I was to have such a wonderful man adore me.

Every time you look at me, I know you truly see me. I have never had someone look at me the way you do. I can honestly say, I have never felt this way before. Is this the love that everyone talks about? Is it happening to me? You have been an unexpected surprise. How did you happen to come into my life without me seeing it?

True friendships are hard to find, as well as true love. But to find the two combined is even more rare. To think that I might be blessed with both makes me thankful for you. I look forward to many more Sundays shared with you.

Living in the present

Friday, February 8, 2008

A good friend once told me that "life isn't about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself." I thought that was beautiful. But it has only been in the last few days that I've truly understood what that saying meant. I believe that it ties in with another familiar saying that "life is about the journey."

For years I've always looked ahead. I told myself, "when I find a career that I enjoy," "when I have found someone to create a life with," "when I've bought my own place," it was always "when." Only "when" I've achieved my goals will I be happy and ready to live life. I didn't realize that I was missing out on the life I was living while I was busy making plans (another familiar saying).

Many who are close to me know that I haven't been satisfied with the work I am doing right now. I have two jobs and cannot find fulfillment in either. I'm at home, living with my parents and wishing for the day I can afford to buy my own home. In a sense, I'm stuck. I am waiting to find that career that will not only provide intrinsic reward but also allow me to afford my own home. Realistically, if I'm waiting for that moment, I'm going to be waiting for a long time; not forever, but at least another 2-5 years. I'm not going to find a fulfilling career or be able to buy a house overnight.

I've been living with that state of mind for the past year. Which has me feeling frustrated almost everyday! What torture I've been putting myself through. I was waiting for the day that everything would fall into place. Only then will I be happy and ready to live life.

Thankfully, it finally dawned on me that if I continue holding that perspective, I'm going to wake up one day and realize I've missed out on a lot. And the funny thing I just realized as I write this is, that is exactly what I've worked so hard to avoid. I saw setting goals as a way I could avoid waking up one day and wondering how I got here. I have seen and heard so many people say, "this is not how I pictured my life. How did I end up here?" That had me scared. I didn't want to be one of them.

So I kept making plans. I thought to myself, "if I did this, I would be ok." "Only once I've achieved that will I be ok." "Only once I've reached my goals can I breath easy and live my life." I wanted to control my environment and have everything set the way I envisioned. Only then will I be ready to live life.

Today, I have come to realize that life doesn't work that way. It is truly about the journey and it's important to live in the present. Life is happening right now! What a realization! This realization has changed my perspective drastically. No more postponing life. No more postponing happiness. No more trying so hard to completely control all aspects of my life.

It is truly about the journey and creating myself. Everything I've done makes me who I am today. So what if I am not completely satisfied with my jobs. It'll make it that much sweeter when I do find a career that makes me happy. So what if I'm "wasting my money" and renting a place. I need my own freedom and space right now and renting gives me that opportunity. AND I have two crappy jobs to support myself!

So yes, I'm brimming with joy with this realization. I have so much to be thankful for and I know I'm going to be ok.