a new year and a new beginning

Monday, January 17, 2011

It's 2011 and I am pumped. My favourite number has always been "11." I remember in highschool, my nickname was "Eleven" because it sounded like "Evelyn;" I think it originated from the time when I taught swimming and some of my kids could not pronounce my name and ended up calling me "Eleven." It was cute.

2010 ended with big changes in my life. I FINALLY bought my own house!!! Everyone who knows me knows how long it's been a dream and goal of mine to own my own home. It was a difficult goal to accomplish because I had to buy it on my own! I did not have a partner nor a co-signer. Besides, I wanted to do it all by myself. So it took a long time but I did it!

I bought a tiny little row house in Leslieville, an amazing, burgeoning neighbourhood in the east-end of Toronto. I am right on the west-border of The Beach. The summer is going to be amazing because I am so close to the waterfront. I feel so fortunate to have found a great home in the area that I'm in.

I've only been in the home for about a month and I can feel a sense of happiness and independence that I haven't felt in a long time. It was difficult living in Milton. It wasn't my home and I always felt like a guest. A guest who ended up cooking every night and doing all the groceries. I paid too much in rent but who was I to complain. I chose to move in with the BF. I could have moved out anytime but I wanted to make sure that when I did make that move, I would never pay rent to anyone again.

What a great way to begin the new year. Of course it has been scary and quite an emotional roller-coaster. After living with someone for over a year, it takes some adjustment to being on your own again. Four days after I moved in, I came home to a flooded basement. Long story short, the neighbour next door did not turn off the valve to the outside tap and the pipes burst when the temperature went up that day. I remember sitting in my kitchen after I called my real estate agent, thinking what did I do.

It ended up not so bad after all. Things could have been much worse. The situation taught me that, yes, I can do things on my own. It reignited the sense of independence in me. I always knew that having my own home will allow me to be more adventurous in my goals of being an independent business owner. I knew that I needed a steady job to qualify for a mortgage. Now that I have one, the sky is the limit! I am free to pursue my dreams. Well, to an extent because now I have to make sure the mortgage is paid :)

I had previously wrote about how I was planning on making an effort to start on the business idea I've had for years. Well, it wasn't the right time or place a year ago. Now it is and I am excited again. And we can tell because I'm writing again. I have lots of ideas and this time I know it's going to be different.

What are you excited about for 2011? Do you have any dreams or goals you have put aside in the past? Could 2011 be your year as well?

A year of me

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So last month I decided to dedicate a year to focusing on me. I wanted to stop thinking about finding a new job or a new place to live or any other idea that comes to mind that made me want to do something just to find change. Change can be a good thing and I thrive on change. But lately I have come to realize that I might be a change addict. Stability and focus can be a good thing as well.

I wanted to see how things would work out if I simply ride things out. But I couldn't just settle for the everyday routine so I decided to focus on hobbies! I set a goal to run a half marathon. I signed up to run the Scotiabank Waterfront Half on September 26th 2010. 

I am three weeks into my training routine and it feels great. It didn't always feel good. I remember the first week...the first time I went out for a run, I thought to myself why the hell did I have to tell everyone I was running a half. There was no way out. I had committed myself. But in hindsite, it was a good thing that I told everyone because that made me stick to that goal. I worked harder and simply took it one step at a time.

The second week, I went out for a 4 mile run on Sunday morning. I was worried but I told myself that I would finish the distance even if I walked the entire way. I took my time and actually ran the entire way without stopping! I was elated. This past Sunday, I was scheduled to run 5 miles and again I told myself I would take my time and I again, ran the entire way without stopping.

What else am I going to work on. I am going to write and blog more; and I'm going to learn how to crochet. I've got things that I want to create and it would be a fun business venture to begin. 

Why am I doing all this? Well, for a long time I have been unsatisfied with my career. I've been switching jobs hoping to find something fulfilling. What I started to realize is that "jobs" in a traditional sense are not a means to find instrinsic fulfillment..at least not for me. So rather than run around from job to job, I decided to enjoy where I am right now and take the financial security that my current job provides and redirect my efforts for fulfillment towards things that I truly enjoy: writing, photography, and crafts.

We'll see where this journey will take me. It's been tough to curbe the urge to look for a new job. I struggle with that every day. But as I get more involved in my hobbies, I am slowly gaining more focus on these endeavours. Should be an interesting year. Either way, I'll be starting to write more again :) 

My A-HA moment

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Good job, great boyfriend, no drama with the fam, and I'm doing well healthwise. I must say, things are going really well. It's been a long time coming. For a number of years, things have felt out of place. I'm not saying that things are perfect now. There are still areas of my life that I would like to improve but physically and, most importantly, mentally, I haven't felt this good since the year my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was then that my life turned upside down. Now, 12 years later, I can honestly say, I feel like myself again.

12 years ago, I embarked on one of the best journeys of my life. I travelled Australia and New Zealand on a solo trip for over five months. I was only 21. I had a lifetime ahead of me. Those were supposed to be the best years of my life. I returned from the trip a new person. I was energized and ready to take on the world. But, the universe had another plan for me. Over the next few years, I devoted my life to my family. Years after that, I spent finding myself again. It feels good to finally be here today.

How do I know that I am back? Well, for one thing, my job isn't all that I would hope it would be but I am reacting to it in a much different way. In the past, I would feel so unhappy and lost. I would spend my days searching for something more, a new job posting, a new career path, or a new educational program to pursue, hoping that I'll find that "job" that will help me feel fulfilled.

Today, I realize that it's really up to me to create that job for myself. Thinking back on my past, the best things that have happened in my life occured when I followed my heart. I didn't think, I didn't analyze, I just DID. Just like my trip to Australia, exactly like the time I got into mechanic school, and the time I decided to audition for a commercial. I did it all on a whim and those became the most memorable experiences I've had in my life so far.

Today I decided that I am going to start my own business. I thought of this business idea about 10 years ago. I did look into it a few times but never really followed through. I have made it my goal to accomplish something great in this lifetime. Why not? Why settle for the ordinary?

I've decided that I will document this. Writing and tracking my progress will be a demonstration of my commitment to my goal. I strongly believe that when you commit your heart to something, amazing things happen: doors open, opportunities appear, and things happen to help you succeed.

Good news about my health

Sunday, June 14, 2009

It's been about 6 months since I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis and a lot has happened. The latest good news is that when I went to see my rheumatologist a few weeks ago, she told me that my urine results are back to normal!! I was surprised, shocked, and so happy to hear the news.

She thinks it might have been the shingles that might have "reset" my immune system. In March, I had shingles. It was awful. Today, months later, I still have shots of pain run through me. I got them in the most awful place too; right between my butt cheeks. Did I say it was awful? But I guess it was a good thing because it gave my immune system something to fight.

My doctor also said that I probably got shingles due to the immuno-suppressants that I'm on. I figured. I've been sick a lot lately but still feel great regardless. I'm sure I'll be stronger once I'm off these drugs. She now has me on a reduction plan for the Prednisone. Yay!

It's funny because I have been feeling great lately. Everyone around me has been telling me that I look really good. I've lost a lot of weight and feel great. I'm actually back to my normal weight. I'm not sure if it was weight that I lost but I definitely feel less swollen.

I honestly think it has been the culmination of everything that I've done that has given me these positive results. I gave up drinking alcohol, became vegetarian, and made sure I took it easy when my body told me to. I also think it has a lot to do with how happy I am with my job.

I miraculously found a new job in March with a successful Japanese automaker. Since then, my spirits have been up because I enjoy what I do and am no longer stuck behind a desk, staring at a computer screen all day. I feel more productive and useful. I am getting the people-interaction that I thrive on. Overall, my new job has greatly impacted my mental well-being and I'm seeing the results in my health.

I am so, so grateful. I am continuing with all the lifestyle changes I've made. I'm a lot happier and healthier. I am also so grateful and thankful for the people around me who have been there to support me in so many different ways. I am most grateful for CM, who has been integral to my healing.

Hitting PAUSE and RESET

Thursday, February 5, 2009

On Friday, January 16th 2009, I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis which is one of the most serious manifestations of systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). I've never openly discussed the medical problems I've been dealing with out of fear that this disease will become part of my identity. In a sense I wanted to avoid it, pretend that it doesn't exist and declare that it is not part of me.

That has not stopped it's progression. This diagnosis is a true wakeup call. The reality is, I am dealing with a potentially life-threatening disease. However, I see this as an opportunity to turn my life around and live differently. I've always thought that I didn't need more lessons in life after having dealt with my mother's illness for many years. But I guess the Universe somehow feels that this is something I have to go through.

Doctors have prescribed an aggressive approach to treatment: 25mg of Prednisone, 250mg of Chloroquine, 1000mg of CellCept (mycophenolate mofetil) along with Calcium supplements to offset the side effects of osteoperosis. All these drugs are basically immunosuppresents that tell my immune system to stop attacking my kidneys. Dealing with the immediate side effects have been difficult: anxiety, restlessness, fatigue, blurry vision, upset stomach, and a lack of appetite (which is surprising because the drugs are supposed to increase my appetite).

Having to think about death or the potential loss of quality-of-life over the next 30 to 40 years while I'm only in my 30s has changed my perspective on many things. I've always thought that I had a pretty good handle on my outlook on life but now I realize I don't. Today, I am forced to figure out what is truly important to me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have shared my thoughts and fears with those closest to me. I haven't figured it all out just yet but I know that health is my number one priority and I need to change the way I live because what I've been doing is making my body fight itself.

For many years, I was solely focused on finding a career that fulfilled me. It's been a long and frustrating struggle. Today I now realize that part of that frustration is that what fulfills me cannot be found in the mechanical-non-emotional-disconnected corporate world. Everyday I've searched for opportunities to provide value, to care, and to be there for people, the project, the business, the greater-good-for-all. All that goes to waste because nobody cares. Most people work because they have to. They've found fulfillment in other areas of their lives and see work as just a means to an end.

The corporate world is not about the people. It's about the entity itself. People are just the mechanical parts that enable the entity to function. And that was killing me because I care. I truly care and love people and want the best for them. I truly care and love the idea of a successful business and want to be part of something great. Work is important to me. By "work" I mean contribution, helping others, motivating one another, and doing great things with your life. I've been looking for that fulfillment in all the wrong places.

My life so far has been set on automatic-PLAY. I've decided to press PAUSE and RESET. I've taken a leave-of-absence from work for the month of February to focus on my health and take the time to figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm going to take this time to do the things I love and rediscover things about myself that I might have forgotten. I thought I had it all figured out by my body is telling me otherwise. It's time for me to listen.

The next few months should be an interesting journey. If there's one thing I can take away from this moment is that our learning is never done. I am grateful that I do have this opportunity to turn things around but the key is that I need to do it NOW. There is no turning back if I go beyond this point. If I don't do this for myself, I am doing this for my sister and CM. I know they both love me very much and I'd like to be here for a very long time to keep bothering them with my idioyncrasies that only they love and laugh at.

In sharing my story I hope that people will be brave enough to hit that PAUSE and RESET button without having to face illness or death. If you feel that you're not in control and that life is taking you somewhere you don't want to go, I encourage you to hit PAUSE. Take the time to re-examine your life and take it in the direction that you want, especially since you have your health.