My A-HA moment

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Good job, great boyfriend, no drama with the fam, and I'm doing well healthwise. I must say, things are going really well. It's been a long time coming. For a number of years, things have felt out of place. I'm not saying that things are perfect now. There are still areas of my life that I would like to improve but physically and, most importantly, mentally, I haven't felt this good since the year my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was then that my life turned upside down. Now, 12 years later, I can honestly say, I feel like myself again.

12 years ago, I embarked on one of the best journeys of my life. I travelled Australia and New Zealand on a solo trip for over five months. I was only 21. I had a lifetime ahead of me. Those were supposed to be the best years of my life. I returned from the trip a new person. I was energized and ready to take on the world. But, the universe had another plan for me. Over the next few years, I devoted my life to my family. Years after that, I spent finding myself again. It feels good to finally be here today.

How do I know that I am back? Well, for one thing, my job isn't all that I would hope it would be but I am reacting to it in a much different way. In the past, I would feel so unhappy and lost. I would spend my days searching for something more, a new job posting, a new career path, or a new educational program to pursue, hoping that I'll find that "job" that will help me feel fulfilled.

Today, I realize that it's really up to me to create that job for myself. Thinking back on my past, the best things that have happened in my life occured when I followed my heart. I didn't think, I didn't analyze, I just DID. Just like my trip to Australia, exactly like the time I got into mechanic school, and the time I decided to audition for a commercial. I did it all on a whim and those became the most memorable experiences I've had in my life so far.

Today I decided that I am going to start my own business. I thought of this business idea about 10 years ago. I did look into it a few times but never really followed through. I have made it my goal to accomplish something great in this lifetime. Why not? Why settle for the ordinary?

I've decided that I will document this. Writing and tracking my progress will be a demonstration of my commitment to my goal. I strongly believe that when you commit your heart to something, amazing things happen: doors open, opportunities appear, and things happen to help you succeed.

Good news about my health

Sunday, June 14, 2009

It's been about 6 months since I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis and a lot has happened. The latest good news is that when I went to see my rheumatologist a few weeks ago, she told me that my urine results are back to normal!! I was surprised, shocked, and so happy to hear the news.

She thinks it might have been the shingles that might have "reset" my immune system. In March, I had shingles. It was awful. Today, months later, I still have shots of pain run through me. I got them in the most awful place too; right between my butt cheeks. Did I say it was awful? But I guess it was a good thing because it gave my immune system something to fight.

My doctor also said that I probably got shingles due to the immuno-suppressants that I'm on. I figured. I've been sick a lot lately but still feel great regardless. I'm sure I'll be stronger once I'm off these drugs. She now has me on a reduction plan for the Prednisone. Yay!

It's funny because I have been feeling great lately. Everyone around me has been telling me that I look really good. I've lost a lot of weight and feel great. I'm actually back to my normal weight. I'm not sure if it was weight that I lost but I definitely feel less swollen.

I honestly think it has been the culmination of everything that I've done that has given me these positive results. I gave up drinking alcohol, became vegetarian, and made sure I took it easy when my body told me to. I also think it has a lot to do with how happy I am with my job.

I miraculously found a new job in March with a successful Japanese automaker. Since then, my spirits have been up because I enjoy what I do and am no longer stuck behind a desk, staring at a computer screen all day. I feel more productive and useful. I am getting the people-interaction that I thrive on. Overall, my new job has greatly impacted my mental well-being and I'm seeing the results in my health.

I am so, so grateful. I am continuing with all the lifestyle changes I've made. I'm a lot happier and healthier. I am also so grateful and thankful for the people around me who have been there to support me in so many different ways. I am most grateful for CM, who has been integral to my healing.

Hitting PAUSE and RESET

Thursday, February 5, 2009

On Friday, January 16th 2009, I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis which is one of the most serious manifestations of systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). I've never openly discussed the medical problems I've been dealing with out of fear that this disease will become part of my identity. In a sense I wanted to avoid it, pretend that it doesn't exist and declare that it is not part of me.

That has not stopped it's progression. This diagnosis is a true wakeup call. The reality is, I am dealing with a potentially life-threatening disease. However, I see this as an opportunity to turn my life around and live differently. I've always thought that I didn't need more lessons in life after having dealt with my mother's illness for many years. But I guess the Universe somehow feels that this is something I have to go through.

Doctors have prescribed an aggressive approach to treatment: 25mg of Prednisone, 250mg of Chloroquine, 1000mg of CellCept (mycophenolate mofetil) along with Calcium supplements to offset the side effects of osteoperosis. All these drugs are basically immunosuppresents that tell my immune system to stop attacking my kidneys. Dealing with the immediate side effects have been difficult: anxiety, restlessness, fatigue, blurry vision, upset stomach, and a lack of appetite (which is surprising because the drugs are supposed to increase my appetite).

Having to think about death or the potential loss of quality-of-life over the next 30 to 40 years while I'm only in my 30s has changed my perspective on many things. I've always thought that I had a pretty good handle on my outlook on life but now I realize I don't. Today, I am forced to figure out what is truly important to me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have shared my thoughts and fears with those closest to me. I haven't figured it all out just yet but I know that health is my number one priority and I need to change the way I live because what I've been doing is making my body fight itself.

For many years, I was solely focused on finding a career that fulfilled me. It's been a long and frustrating struggle. Today I now realize that part of that frustration is that what fulfills me cannot be found in the mechanical-non-emotional-disconnected corporate world. Everyday I've searched for opportunities to provide value, to care, and to be there for people, the project, the business, the greater-good-for-all. All that goes to waste because nobody cares. Most people work because they have to. They've found fulfillment in other areas of their lives and see work as just a means to an end.

The corporate world is not about the people. It's about the entity itself. People are just the mechanical parts that enable the entity to function. And that was killing me because I care. I truly care and love people and want the best for them. I truly care and love the idea of a successful business and want to be part of something great. Work is important to me. By "work" I mean contribution, helping others, motivating one another, and doing great things with your life. I've been looking for that fulfillment in all the wrong places.

My life so far has been set on automatic-PLAY. I've decided to press PAUSE and RESET. I've taken a leave-of-absence from work for the month of February to focus on my health and take the time to figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm going to take this time to do the things I love and rediscover things about myself that I might have forgotten. I thought I had it all figured out by my body is telling me otherwise. It's time for me to listen.

The next few months should be an interesting journey. If there's one thing I can take away from this moment is that our learning is never done. I am grateful that I do have this opportunity to turn things around but the key is that I need to do it NOW. There is no turning back if I go beyond this point. If I don't do this for myself, I am doing this for my sister and CM. I know they both love me very much and I'd like to be here for a very long time to keep bothering them with my idioyncrasies that only they love and laugh at.

In sharing my story I hope that people will be brave enough to hit that PAUSE and RESET button without having to face illness or death. If you feel that you're not in control and that life is taking you somewhere you don't want to go, I encourage you to hit PAUSE. Take the time to re-examine your life and take it in the direction that you want, especially since you have your health.