Thursday, February 5, 2009
On Friday, January 16th 2009, I was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis which is one of the most serious manifestations of systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE). I've never openly discussed the medical problems I've been dealing with out of fear that this disease will become part of my identity. In a sense I wanted to avoid it, pretend that it doesn't exist and declare that it is not part of me.
That has not stopped it's progression. This diagnosis is a true wakeup call. The reality is, I am dealing with a potentially life-threatening disease. However, I see this as an opportunity to turn my life around and live differently. I've always thought that I didn't need more lessons in life after having dealt with my mother's illness for many years. But I guess the Universe somehow feels that this is something I have to go through.
Doctors have prescribed an aggressive approach to treatment: 25mg of Prednisone, 250mg of Chloroquine, 1000mg of CellCept (mycophenolate mofetil) along with Calcium supplements to offset the side effects of osteoperosis. All these drugs are basically immunosuppresents that tell my immune system to stop attacking my kidneys. Dealing with the immediate side effects have been difficult: anxiety, restlessness, fatigue, blurry vision, upset stomach, and a lack of appetite (which is surprising because the drugs are supposed to increase my appetite).
Having to think about death or the potential loss of quality-of-life over the next 30 to 40 years while I'm only in my 30s has changed my perspective on many things. I've always thought that I had a pretty good handle on my outlook on life but now I realize I don't. Today, I am forced to figure out what is truly important to me. I've been doing a lot of thinking and have shared my thoughts and fears with those closest to me. I haven't figured it all out just yet but I know that health is my number one priority and I need to change the way I live because what I've been doing is making my body fight itself.
For many years, I was solely focused on finding a career that fulfilled me. It's been a long and frustrating struggle. Today I now realize that part of that frustration is that what fulfills me cannot be found in the mechanical-non-emotional-disconnected corporate world. Everyday I've searched for opportunities to provide value, to care, and to be there for people, the project, the business, the greater-good-for-all. All that goes to waste because nobody cares. Most people work because they have to. They've found fulfillment in other areas of their lives and see work as just a means to an end.
The corporate world is not about the people. It's about the entity itself. People are just the mechanical parts that enable the entity to function. And that was killing me because I care. I truly care and love people and want the best for them. I truly care and love the idea of a successful business and want to be part of something great. Work is important to me. By "work" I mean contribution, helping others, motivating one another, and doing great things with your life. I've been looking for that fulfillment in all the wrong places.
My life so far has been set on automatic-PLAY. I've decided to press PAUSE and RESET. I've taken a leave-of-absence from work for the month of February to focus on my health and take the time to figure out what I'm going to do next. I'm going to take this time to do the things I love and rediscover things about myself that I might have forgotten. I thought I had it all figured out by my body is telling me otherwise. It's time for me to listen.
The next few months should be an interesting journey. If there's one thing I can take away from this moment is that our learning is never done. I am grateful that I do have this opportunity to turn things around but the key is that I need to do it NOW. There is no turning back if I go beyond this point. If I don't do this for myself, I am doing this for my sister and CM. I know they both love me very much and I'd like to be here for a very long time to keep bothering them with my idioyncrasies that only they love and laugh at.
In sharing my story I hope that people will be brave enough to hit that PAUSE and RESET button without having to face illness or death. If you feel that you're not in control and that life is taking you somewhere you don't want to go, I encourage you to hit PAUSE. Take the time to re-examine your life and take it in the direction that you want, especially since you have your health.
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