Living in the present

Friday, February 8, 2008

A good friend once told me that "life isn't about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself." I thought that was beautiful. But it has only been in the last few days that I've truly understood what that saying meant. I believe that it ties in with another familiar saying that "life is about the journey."

For years I've always looked ahead. I told myself, "when I find a career that I enjoy," "when I have found someone to create a life with," "when I've bought my own place," it was always "when." Only "when" I've achieved my goals will I be happy and ready to live life. I didn't realize that I was missing out on the life I was living while I was busy making plans (another familiar saying).

Many who are close to me know that I haven't been satisfied with the work I am doing right now. I have two jobs and cannot find fulfillment in either. I'm at home, living with my parents and wishing for the day I can afford to buy my own home. In a sense, I'm stuck. I am waiting to find that career that will not only provide intrinsic reward but also allow me to afford my own home. Realistically, if I'm waiting for that moment, I'm going to be waiting for a long time; not forever, but at least another 2-5 years. I'm not going to find a fulfilling career or be able to buy a house overnight.

I've been living with that state of mind for the past year. Which has me feeling frustrated almost everyday! What torture I've been putting myself through. I was waiting for the day that everything would fall into place. Only then will I be happy and ready to live life.

Thankfully, it finally dawned on me that if I continue holding that perspective, I'm going to wake up one day and realize I've missed out on a lot. And the funny thing I just realized as I write this is, that is exactly what I've worked so hard to avoid. I saw setting goals as a way I could avoid waking up one day and wondering how I got here. I have seen and heard so many people say, "this is not how I pictured my life. How did I end up here?" That had me scared. I didn't want to be one of them.

So I kept making plans. I thought to myself, "if I did this, I would be ok." "Only once I've achieved that will I be ok." "Only once I've reached my goals can I breath easy and live my life." I wanted to control my environment and have everything set the way I envisioned. Only then will I be ready to live life.

Today, I have come to realize that life doesn't work that way. It is truly about the journey and it's important to live in the present. Life is happening right now! What a realization! This realization has changed my perspective drastically. No more postponing life. No more postponing happiness. No more trying so hard to completely control all aspects of my life.

It is truly about the journey and creating myself. Everything I've done makes me who I am today. So what if I am not completely satisfied with my jobs. It'll make it that much sweeter when I do find a career that makes me happy. So what if I'm "wasting my money" and renting a place. I need my own freedom and space right now and renting gives me that opportunity. AND I have two crappy jobs to support myself!

So yes, I'm brimming with joy with this realization. I have so much to be thankful for and I know I'm going to be ok.