Staying friends with an ex

Monday, July 23, 2007

I've often wondered how two people can remain friends after their relationship dissolves; or the better question would be why? When I use the term "friends," I mean that the two individuals involved not only remain amicable to one another but also spend quality time together: dinners, movies, and nights out on the town. Is there a need that is fulfilled by this arrangement and are the two truly just friends?

I'm usually the love 'em and leave 'em kinda gal. When it's over, it's over. There's no need to drag things out; simply learn from the past and move on. However, when my most recent ex got in touch with me after about a year of no contact, I thought why not try to be friends. After a few friendly phone calls, I thought this might just work. But I was wrong. As soon as we met in person, I knew he wanted something more. However, I remained optimistic. I kept my distance and allowed more time to pass whilst tying to do this friend thing. Unfortunately, nothing has changed and it's time to cut the cord.

This experience has solidified my belief that if two people who were formerly in a relationship remain friends, there is usually one person who still pines for the other; and I believe that the other person knows that. Therefore, my conclusion is that the other person keeps the "piner" around because the desire that may or may not be oh so subtle, definitely strokes the ego. In the end, there's an underlying emotional tug-of-war going on between the two that I want no part of. Especially if I'm dating, or potentially dating someone who is still "friends" with the ex.

Therefore, the whole friends-with-the-ex thing is a huge red flag to me. Unless you have children involved, I see no reason for someone to be hanging out with their ex on a regular basis. Some might deny that there are underlying emotions involved but I'd urge them to take a closer look.